Thursday, December 15, 2005

Q&A for HarrangueMan

Q: First up Mr HarrangueMan. The extra R, what's with that?

A: Huh?

Q: Harrangue is actually spelled Harangue. You stuck an extra R in.

A: I did?

Q: Yes.

A: Er, I think I stuck the extra R in to show how Haranguey I was going to get. You know, like Mega.

Q: You just spelled it wrong and only just realised didn't you?

A: Maybe. Maybe not.

Q: Moving on. What are some other embarrassing things about yourself or that you've done that make you uncomfortable? Clearly you're not adverse to sharing your tales of woe - such as that Doctor sticking his fingers up your arse during a prostate exam.

A: Yeah, that's true. I guess I find this online confessing thing cathartic.

Q: Really? Are you going to confess to everything from now on?

A: Well nothing that can hurt other people obviously. So stuff between me and the wife stays off here. As does stuff between me and friends. But my past indiscretions I can discuss.

Q: What about current ones like masturbation? Remember that site you found? Extreme Fetish dot com or something?

A: Yeah, er, no, not about that.

Q: Ok then. Putting aside your occasional freakish turn ons (cough)sickbastard(cough), what's something you cringe about even now?

A: Well there was this time when I was on a school choir trip and I didn't quite make it to the toilet in time, and there was this number two related accident. But I had no access to fresh underwear until I went to bed. So it dried into place. For six hours. Finally I got the guts to get up and de-frock (having put my PJ's over the top when I changed), with dried bits having dislodged onto the bed I was in. I was up brushing them out when the parents of the family I was staying walked in and turned on the light. That was fucked up. Big time. I went back there the next year and was terrified they told their kids about it, but they never did.

Q: Ouch man. That's pretty bad. Learn a lesson from that?

A: Never pass up a toilet stop if you can. And, if you have IBS, keep a spair pair of underwear at work just in case.

Q: What else?

A: I remember at my first job as a casual stocktaker talking about this guy called Arthur. An old bloke. 'Yeah, that Arthur. He looks like a sly prick,' I said as part of a conversation starter. The other stocktaker said 'hey leave him alone.' Later I found out he was Arthur's son.

Q: Fuck me, you like to put your foot in it.

A: One another time I said that this English teacher of mine reminded me of Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror. I said this to a bunch of girls. One of them got upset. It turned out she was her daughter. I hadn't connected the fact they had the same last name.

Q: Wow, two for two man. How do you do it?

A: I think it's because I push the envelope too much. And when I get nervous I talk shit.

Q: Ever tangle with a girl and get embarrassed by that?

A: There was this girl I liked in year nine. We'd go mushrooming. We were lying by a river bank one day and I rolled on top of her and started kissing her much to her disgust. She pushed me off. We never spoke of it again but that friendship died pretty quick. On account of my stupidity. I was like that fake deaf guy in Seinfeld that tries to paw at Elaine and she kind of forces him off a couple of times.

Q: Dude, that's messed up.

A: Yeah, well, pretty cringe worthy.

Q: Do you feel better for getting that off your chest?

A: You know I do. But I do get worried what people I know will think about me if they read it.

Q: Well HarangueMan ...

A: ... HarRangueMan. I'm keeping the extra R ...

Q ... ok then, HarrangueMan. The thing is that all of us have done things that embarrassed us, and made us feel dumb. So I think they'd probably think 'Geez, I've done some odd stuff too man, don't worry about it.' And I think too that it's not healthy fixating on stuff you did 20 odd years ago that didn't actually hurt anyone except your feelings. Dude, just get over it.

A: It's easy enough for you to say. I am a bubbling froth of deep regret, embarrassment, pain, stupidity, anger, fattiness, ugliness, awkwardness, ill humour, not funny, demented, lazy, obnoxious, rude, argumentative, obstinate, cruel, unhygienic, hypocritical, fucked in the head moron that has it so much better in life than 92% of the planet, that I still manage to whinge about my life despite the fact I am an educated whitey in a comfortable job, in a great country, with some really nice people in my life who I care for a great deal and help me forget about all that shit I feel about myself.

Q: ... O ... K ...

A: Sorry, self pity mode again. I gotta pull my finger out and set new goals for myself, make myself better, and try and address some of those bad things I listed.

Q: New Years resolutions perhaps?

A: Maybe. I'll wing it.

Q: Well thanks for that cathartic blast Harrangueman. I understand you're on holiday now.

A: Yep, leaving tomorrow until just before New Years.

Q: Well I hope your hols are awesome, and that you stick with the Operation Stop Killing Yourself with Fucking Food and Fucking Drink.

A: 15 days so far on no Diet Coke and Caffeine. Now I just gotta make sure I don't go nuts with the Xmas cheer.

Q: And keep walking, despite Techno and Cass not being there to motivate you.

A: Will do.

Q: Well, that's it for the Q&A. Everyone have a great holiday and New Years and I hope 2006 sees us all work for the better of all in the new year. Good night.

8 comments:

  1. Hehheh, disturbing and illuminating. Have a good holiday.

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  2. IBS. Dude, I feel your pain. Metamucil in the evenings has changed my life.

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  3. Ooh I had a cringe for you :) Not that I don't have plenty of cringeworthy tales of my own...

    And I hadn't even noticed that 'harangue' was spelled wrong (ok, just differently :P) in your name... and I'm a spelling nazi! Now I'm wondering if I've used the word in my blog somewhere and spelled it wrong!

    Have a good holiday, I'll miss your posts over Christmas :)

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  4. Dear lord you don't believe in holding back do you? May your holidays be filled with regularly scheduled toilet stops and freedom from diet coke withdrawals. You will be missed. Happy Holidays!

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  5. Oh what?! Two weeks with no Toastwatch update? This is absurd - how now will we be informed of toastus-interruptus episodes? Or stories of fecal decampment?

    I'll be fairly pleased with the lack of masturbation confessions though.

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  6. Thanks muchos lads. And yep, I realised when Sarah pointed it out in her Bratz riposte I had spelled it wrong.

    Capital D for D'OH !

    Yes no more of the one handed love spray relevations. That's definately the last one of those.

    Unless it's medical of course.

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  7. Great Post. Happy New Year HarRangueMan!

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  8. This is simultaneously funny and made me cringe so hard I almost fell out of my chair. A neat trick.

    I think most people think back on and regret the stupid things they have done in the past. People say to get over it, but I wonder how many of them actually do?

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