Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Bin Laden Home and Away Walk On

Osama Bin Laden, noted Islamic extremist responsible for the murder of countless of thousands of people, will have a walk on in the local Aussie soap Home and Away.

'As you know, we already had our first Islamicist on the show,' gushed producer Arnold Betts. 'So we asked ourselves how can we possibly top this? That's when we hit on the OBL [Bin Laden] plan.'

Contacted via a tenuous link of couriers, Bin Laden replied to say that he was indeed perfectly happy to have a walk on, declaring Summer Bay an Islamic paradise.

'I often tell my suicide bombers that the heaven promised to martyrs is replete with virgins, living in an environment a lot like that delightful town that is home to Alf's shop, the school, the surf club, and the beach. And that they will walk in the soft sand, and feel the salt sting on their lips, arm in arm with a virgin on each side, contemplating their new life in the ethereal down under. So of course I would very much love to have a walk on.'

OBL as he is affectionately known by the Home and Away crew will appear in the background of a scene set at the surf club, where the gaunt Arabic scholar and terrorist will order a milk shake and a hamburger, as Sally is confronted by a former but brief lover dressed in a rat suit, pleading to be taken back into her arms, and earlier having prepared a Velcro mounted flap that could be taken down to allow access to his genitals by his now reunited with romantic interest.

Left: Bin Laden; excited about walk on in Surf Club

'As Sally rips open the flap I will be sipping on a vanilla milk shake and taking a bite out of my delicious burger,' said OBL, excited. 'And as she services her man with ever quickening pulls of her hand, I too shall be sated - by an excellent concoction of meat and bread from by the sea. No bacon of course !'

OBL has been told that as an extra, while he can move his lips in the manner of a conversation he cannot actually voice any words.

'I was staggered when they told me that when they film such a scene that those who do not have speaking rolls do not actually speak at all!' said Osama. 'But rather they mouth words without actually saying them aloud.'

OBL plans to silently recite verses of the Holy Quran, specifically those that refer to the permission to wage war against the infidel, the cleric having used the scriptures drafted nearly a thousand years ago as justification in promoting the use of suicide belts on women, children, and the mentally retarded to blow up innocents.

'Too often Home and Away relies on an overturned late model car, or an unexpected collapse, to provide drama at a season's end,' added OBL. 'I plan to have words with the producers to encourage them to instead look at what this season's jihad fashions offer. Such as this little slimmed down semtex model here. Just imagine seeing this bad boy on a mongoloid going into Alf's shop and KA-BOOM ! Alf would become quite the flamin' mongrel then, yes?'

Left: Alf to become flamin' thanks to Bin Laden belt

Producers said that would cheerfully listen to any suggestions their favourite fanatic might have.

'OBL has a fantastic sense of the dramatic,' said Arnold Betts. 'I mean those planes into the sky-scrapers? Wow. I asked if we could do something similar for Summer Bay, but all the higher ups would offer us was a Ford Cortina with a faulty hand brake rolling into the shed where the life savers kept their surf boats.'

4 comments:

  1. You siad: As for the terror drill, look I've no doubt at all it was genuine. Fact is govts have to hold these macro exercises because mass casualties combined with acute terror can paralyse a large urban environment and cause a potential catastrophic break down in civil order and infrastructure. Govts that don't do it are not good govts. Without the exercises they cannot discover fail points in various scenarios. Though I admit it also helps the public comms message of 'its cool, we're ready if something happens'. Which is an intended benefit of doing stuff like this.

    Though I admit it's a freaky coincidence it was on the same day.


    If it was only in the same day, ok it could be a coincidence. But at the same day, at the same places (the same subways stations), at the same times? This is not a coincidence. This is a supernatural.

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  2. I expect that it was part of a larger conspiracy. Clearly responsible was either the Committee of 300, the Rockerfellers, some side branch of the New World Order, possibly the Illuminati, or maybe even the Catholic Church. Or aliens.

    People notice coincidences because we are genetically programmed to see and highlight patterns and convergences. This means we tend to overemphasise coincidence. It also makes us bad at calculating odds, which is why the gambling industry works.

    The fact of the matter is that governments and security advisors across the globe have been talking about the potential for terrorism on underground trains for years, certainly since 9/11, so it really should be no surprise that they would be conducting drills for just such an event.

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  3. I understand that the company running the exercise was a small outfit that was helping a larger company with its contingency plans in the advent of something like this.

    Nothing to do with the government at all. Given the size of London, the nature of the companies that work there, and the fact they've been a terror target for the last 50 years, I would have been more surprised if there had not been something like that happening.

    It's a mountain/mole hill man.

    (On a side note I participated in one such event for uni. It rawked. Just like RPGs but without the dice).

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