Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Harrangueman ruminates on the issue of p0rnography and the inappropriate marketing devices used to entice us to buy it.

I am a male, in his 30's, living in Australia. I have therefore accessed p0rn. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's perfectly natural. After all, as a mammal and a heterosexual male, seeking out the female of the species is still our prime concern. Civilised we may be yes, but most guys of the liking girl persuasion like to see said girls in the nuddy.

It's just how it is. And I won't resile from it.

Anyway, they say the brain is the most erogenous spot in the body. Not in the sense of inspiring ergoney, since, let's face it, the old brain on a physical level is really not that sexy. Unless you have some issues. Rather it's because the brain determines was is in fact sexy and therefore pulls the old brass lever round to let the engine room know it's time for manning the pump.

Left: While not physically sexy, determines what is in fact sexy.

Humans, unlike
animals, are also influenced by what is sexy through nurture as well as nature. For example skinny chicks did not used to be the epitome of hotness. It was the epitome of being poor. It wasn't until the lower classes started being able to pile on the pounds that being skinny was in. Hell, back in the 16th century fat people were the it people – it was a sign of wealth, of privilege. Indeed I would have been some sort of plumpy Adonis were I a 16th century person.

Another classic example of nurture Vs nature in the sexy department is foot binding. Seriously f_cked up feet were the bomb in some cultures. If there was a woman walking along very slowly, very painfully, with toes twisted under her foot from years of being bound, then unfortunately for everyone concerned, guys raised in that culture actually did believe that was some glasses steaming stuff.

Left: Believe it or not, this was once hot.

Indeed, if this existed now there'd be a site like, and magazines ranging from high quality ladies with dainty rooted feet, to trucker chicks in flannelette, with athlete's foot ridden elastic wrapped pinkies.

So, we've established that the brain is in charge of what is hot and what is not ok? Sure there's primeval urges, like the blind would have since they don't get the visual benefits, but by and large Mr brain likes looking at the ladies since that's what does it for him (or her – for guys – or girls – depending on taste).

Now I am on record as being pro p0rn. I can't help it – I'm a guy. I admit it. Nude ladies rawk. But of course I'm not publicly pro-p0rn cause I'd look like a freak. Many ladies, they don't like the whole 'men like to see chicks in the nud' thing so much. Because it implies said guy might take an extra-relationship opportunity should one present itself. It's probably a fair enough. Girls need a reason. Guys just need 20 seconds to get their kit off – which is usually optional. Believe me, it's a struggle for us. Fortunately looking like a combination of Michael Moore and the half waypoint of the melting faced Gestapo agent from Raiders of the Lost Ark means I've never been placed in a position of temptation.

Left: Harrangueman, free from temptation from the sexy ladies.

Here in Canberra we are very open minded, offering up the very best in p0rnographic access – except apparently for animated p0rn because there's dangers of the kids getting it ("Mommy, why is Penisman pushing the nice lady like a wheel barrow?").

But purchasing the p0rn, even with the generous number of suppliers here in the ACT, well, it's just not that comfortable. And it's made more uncomfortable by its sellers trying to treat it like an ordinary thing – like say a muffin or a Selly's stop gap sealant gun.

Like the 'cheapest deal in town' thing, such as immense Hardware stores are made of. Some Canberra p0rn warehouses have billboards proudly announcing the lowest price in town and that they will beat any offer.

Now who in their right mind is going to march into a shop and say 'Big Bob's Bouncy Jug House has Anal Avenger VII for $39.99. You going to beat that buddy???' Only someone whose wardrobe consists of Inspector Gadget style raincoats and nowt else. Indeed, because they have those big signs up in the window, it kind of indicates to the world that anyone walking through its door might just try that on.

And the bulk sale thing. I'm all for bargains. Bargains are kewl most of the time. But really, how much p0rn do you need in one hit? There's only so much er 'alone time' for guys that can be accomplished in any one 24 hour period – age depending.

And in Canberra we're talking serious bulk. Like grab bags of p0rn such as a stack of ten magazines for $10, or five random XXX fun DVD's for $50. Some p0rn stores even have shopping trolleys. I kid you not – trolleys. And, thanks to being CCTV'ed up the ying yang, there exists video footage of some our more conservative political representatives pushing said trolleys along, presumably to stock up for the recess in their not-quite-as-generous p0rn states. This is likely why that the pre 1996 election pledge of ending XXX fare in the ACT was quietly abandoned once the coalition got in.

Some of the deals just get stupidly large.


This would likely be quite the hefty brown parcel when you leave the store. You might even have to wheel your trolley to the car. And, if you're like me, you've parked in an innocuous car park some distance away so casually passing people don't immediately consider you a wanker.

And people's tastes are quite eclectic. How can you be guaranteed that yer SACK'O'P0RN meets your 'all engines ahead full' needs? It's all sealed up, and usually with some big yellow plastic banner across with the low, low price blared across the cover. You can't can you? It's probably one or two really good items, and the rest is seedy low grade Brit p0rn, which would likely consist of pics of a badly made up portly 40 year old power sucking on a fag and casually thrusting aside some sensible underpants to show an energetic thatch of untrimmed pubic hair.

One store even got in a cappuccino machine and offered a free fill up with one or more purchases. Yeah, cause I'm so comfortable with having just purchased a jazz mag and co from the chick with all the metal shit in her face, that I now I want to hang around for five minutes as she grapples with the unfamiliar apparatus to make me a foaming cappie, then further voluntarily remain in her presence to consume it. Perhaps a pastry from the cart? My that donut cock looks tasty. I think I'll try that.

I don't blame p0rn stores for treating this sort of stuff as business as usual. Once you've been working in that sort of environment I'm sure it becomes second nature to be surrounded with thousands and thousands of items of erotica. Like double vibrators, crotchless underthings on mannequins, and magazines where some chick beams from the cover as her hand is fully encompassed by her presumably very good friend's butt hole.

But for us infrequent dashers in to such dens on iniquity, why not recognise the fact that we really don't want to be in there and we just want to grab our p0rn and get out. We don't want to talk to anyone, and we don't want to have a f_cking coffee.

So this is what I propose. Ignore the standard marketing techniques of bargains, beverages, and best deal or 10% back. Instead make p0rn purchases for the embarrassed purveyor just a little more private – and the world will beat a path to your door. Here's two ideas.

Left: Automate and save shame today

Automatic pay stations. You take your stuff to it, zap it in with a scanner, it tells you how much, and you feed the money in. Honestly, we should have the cash on us. Chances are we went to the ATM first and withdrew it cause we didn't want the words EROTICFNHSE appearing on our
statement. Maybe one of those pay parking machines like what the parking people use? You've put those little e-tag things in everything anyway so it will still buzz if we try to go through the gate without paying.

You don't even need to take the P off. The P can stand for p0rn. But make sure you scatter them around the shop. Cause you really don't want to have to queue with a fellow p0rn purchaser.

Eye blinkers for people. Horses wear them and so can we. A pair of cheap plastic disposable shields – like ear muffs save they stick out the sides of your head to completely block your peripheral vision.

Left: A horse protected with eye shields so it is not spooked by a fellow p0rn purchasing horse.

That way you don't have to catch the eye of anyone else as you pick up the 'Private Dairy of a Teenage F_ck Queen' DVD to read the 'statement of claims' on the back.

So there you have it p0rn people. Consider your product and the people that buy it. We live in a mostly puritan society still, and purchasing of your material can offend some viewers. And many of us, while fully signed up to the 'yes please for naked girls (or insert preference)', are largely uncomfortable with buying it in the first place.

Auto pay stations and people blinkers might go a short way to making that experience just a tad more comfortable.

Think about it p0rn people.


  1. Harrangueman,

    I do wonder -- why not purchase your p0rn from the internet? Or better yet, free off the internet? Do you just prefer having something tangible that proves you purchased the porn, and to which you can direct your friends after a few weeks and say "See? That's my p0rn. I bought it. I own it. You may not borrow it, but you may peruse."?

    Just curious.

  2. As an aside, Mikey, those stores don't have their trading name on their EFTPOS/bank account details. They call themselves things like "Mitchell Warehouse Inc".

    *shifty look*

  3. Hmm, a good point on the internet. Though of course from what I understand almost all the free stuff is the teasers for 'see more, just give us your CC number'.

    Not that I'd know or anything.

    Cass, nice to know the CC reports are innocous. I can only assume an industry insider told you. Perhaps the auto may stations could offer a CC facility.

    That'd be perfect. One swipe and yer gone.

    On a side not my word veri looked a lot like 'JUGS'


No comments needed, really.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.